Lies, Damned Lies, and Sean

Unlikely beverages

I was reading The Beverage Network today, wondering what I was missing in the world of liquid refreshment.  They review and rate all sorts of drinks and have compiled a database of hundreds.  I found the tail end of the quality list most interesting, which was littered with numerous discontinued and unlikely beverages.  A few years ago, I entered a contest for a creating new beverage concept.  I didn't win, but I felt “Lava Cola” was at least better than these.

• Pickle Juice - Dill.  From the review, “We just don't quite understand the idea behind Pickle Juice.  We imagined that it might taste a bit different than unprocessed pickle juice, but we were wrong.”
• Arnold Palmer Lite Half & Half.  It isn't actually half and half (the common milk/cream mix added to coffee or even a porter/ale mix); rather, it is a mix of lemonade and iced tea with a picture of the geriatric golfer on the can.
• Mercury Brewing Company.  Who would name their soda drink company after a highly toxic chemical?
• Wazu Water.  News flash:  Wazu may not be in the dictionary, but it is homonymic to wazoo, which is.
• Bong Water, makers of “beer concentrates.”  I never seen an actual bong in person, but I read they are for filtering pollutants in marijuana smoke and cooling it prior to inhaling.  The resulting water stinks and must be changed periodically.
• Billy Boy features a cartoon penis on the can because it is made by a condom company and comes with a condom.
• Sum Poosie Energy Drink.  The review begins, “We know what you are thinking — why on earth did anyone come up with a product like this?  Well, we have no idea either.”
• Gay Energy Cola Drink.  This is a real piece of work.  The idea of serving this strait-faced to some of my friends just cracks me up.
• Blaa Energy Drink.  Need I say more?
• Energy 69.  When I want a delicious beverage, imbibing genital secretions just doesn't come to mind.  Maybe I’m weird.
• Hemp Soda.   Just leave an open can on your desk to impress the boss.
• Green River.  I suspect Gary L. Ridgeway hasn't helped sales for this one.
• Pimp Juice.  For when you need to be bitch-slapped.
• Leninaid.  Mmm.  Made from comrade Lenin’s corpse.